Pro Cycling Predictions 2015

Chris Froome to ride with stabilisers on his bike

As Team Sky boss Dave Brailsford explains to reporters, “our sports scientists have done some pretty rigorous analysis around this, and we’ve come to the conclusion that in order to give Chris Froome the best possible chance of victory in 2015 it’s imperative that he stays upright for as much of the time as possible”.

“Here at Team Sky”, he continues, “we’re not afraid of thinking outside the envelope and we always try to adopt evidence based solutions when a problem presents itself. All the evidence suggests that Froome possesses the bike handling skills of a small boy; hence the stabilisers.”

Michelle Cound, Froome’s outspoken fiancé, reacts angrily to suggestions that by decorating his bike with colourful streamers and fitting a bell the team mechanics might have gone a step too far. “This is just another example of unfair criticism of Chris just because he isn’t British. Erm…hang on! I mean, he IS British, obviously, very British, but Bradley Wiggins wouldn’t have been treated like this…!”

Nairo Quintana to change his name to ‘the Diminutive Columbian’

In a generous gesture designed to make life easier for dozens of cliché ridden cycling commentators, Nairo Quintana officially changes his name to ‘The Diminutive Colombian’, removing the need for the experts to have to use up precious air-time constantly referring to him as ‘the diminutive Columbian Nairo Quintana’.

This will free them up to gush over the time-trialling magnificence of Tony Martin, Marcel Kittel’s physique, and Adam Hansen’s remarkable record of riding a ludicrous number of Grand Tours in succession (see below).

Reports that Kittel has changed his name to ‘the Big German’ prove wide of the mark; apparently Andre Greipel threatened to sue.

Adam Hansen to ride yet another Grand Tour

As Australian Adam Hansen prepares to ride his, erm…what is it now…57th Grand Tour in succession (?) rumours begin to spread that the antipodean hard-man is actually homeless. A good natured jibe from a team-mate along the lines of, “Jeez mate, haven’t you got a home to go to,” cracks the granite hard façade and causes Hansen to show the first signs of weakness in over three years.

It transpires that he has spent so long riding around the roads of Europe that he now exists in a kind of

administrative limbo where he is no longer a citizen of any particular country, and is officially the property of the UCI.

Concerns from fellow cyclists who have witnessed his erratic behaviour between races suggest that Hansen is now institutionalised and may find it hard to cope outside the pro peloton.

Over the coming months experts will attempt to re-integrate him into society by slowly weaning him off twice-daily massages, and encouraging him to grow his leg hair.

Sir Bradley Wiggins faces further criticism

As Wiggins confirms that he won’t be riding many big races, sticking consistently to his explanation that he will continue preparation for a return to track cycling, he faces further criticism from all over the Internet.
Although many critics seem unsure exactly what they are unhappy about, they are absolutely vehement about the fact they are not happy with what Wiggins has done. Or hasn’t done.

But either way they’re definitely unhappy.

Wiggins is unavailable for comment and is busy quietly rising above all the nonsense.

Sagan to ride exclusively ‘doing a wheelie’

After his repeated failure to convert endless strong positions into race wins during 2014, scientists confirm that Peter Sagan has spent so much of his time pulling wheelie’s for the cameras that his physique has developed to the point where this is now his natural riding style.

“It seems that by riding on two wheels I am not making the most of my abilities, so from now on I plan to ‘wheelie’ at all times”, says the Slovak superstar.

Whether he will occasionally ride on two wheels and with both hands on the handlebars for photo opportunities is yet to be confirmed.

And how about 2014?

Why not check out my predictions for 2014, and see how right I can be!